Something simple from me for a change

Home made is always better than that spongy, flavourless supermarket rubbish.

A sponge cake with home made raspberry compote and vanilla butter cream.  One day I shall show you the secret of making a perfect, light yet moist sponge; but for now, behold and drool….
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Mini Cakes

Not sure what flavour to have for your birthday cake?  I’ve come up with the perfect solution.  Instead of one big cake, why not have four mini ones with each a different flavour?

Here I have prepared a mouth watering cake platter of four of my greatest hits: lemon sponge with home made lemon curd, raspberry and white chocolate with home made raspberry sauce, chocolate devil’s food cake and finally and Earl Grey tea fruitcake with home made eggless vegan marzipan.  Each one is around four inches wide.  So if you want you could just have one and pretend like you’re giant.  Also you can have one all too yourself and not feel like a total greedy guts….

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Cake-pocalypse Phase One Update: Vanquished

Breaking news from the front line – it appears that my monster has been all but defeated:

The first wave fought valiantly….
bbb961922_10151592174857696_1144182383_nHowever, reinforcements had to be called in…
bbb975193_10151592160292696_1231927101_n copyIn the heat of battle some fell and their numbers dwindled…
bbb973239_10151592160577696_1007169334_nUntil but a few brave souls were left to carry on the struggle…
bbb986602_10151592174377696_368912382_nAt last, after much munching and scoffing and tummy rumbles, the beast was all but vanquished.  As things stand, this is all that remains of the monster I unleashed:
aaaa975573_10151592146442696_106846928_nI have to say, I am impressed.  But don’t feel too smug, puny mortals.  You think that was the worst I could do?  You ain’t seen nothing yet.

To be continued….

Cake-pocalypse Phase One: The Neapolitan Doom Meringue

So….. at last it is here.  You were given plenty of warning, so let’s have no whimpering.  If there’s one thing I cannot abide it’s a gibbering poltroon.

I’m not going to go into all the grizzly details of how I brought this unholy terror into the world; because that in itself would be almost as Herculean an endeavour as constructing this monster was in the first place.  There will be a detailed, step by step behind the scenes account at some point once all the dust has settled, but for now I shall let the pictures do the talking.  Behold and shudder:

576718_4904993234888_2107486481_n IMG_0516aaa IMG_0534 IMG_0533 IMG_0532 IMG_0530 IMG_0529 IMG_0523 IMG_0521 IMG_0520 IMG_0518 IMG_0511As chance would have it, there was a professional photographer named Jennifer Booth on the scene to document the carnage.  She stood valiantly in the face of the horrors that unfolded before her to capture the following images of my victims.  This evidence may very well come in useful if they ever manage to bring me to trial at the Human Rights Court in The Hague – but I doubt if that will be very likely.  I am a cunning and spring heeled imp and a diabolical master of disguise.

The following images have been digitally altered to protect the gluttonous…
973610_10151591813867696_1923135879_n copy975310_10151591813617696_694027969_n copyNice try young lady, but small portions won’t help you.  Each crumb of this cake has enough calories to sink the continent of Atlantis:
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Raspberry Bakewell Tart

Recipe # 19

Today I have another very light and simple recipe; but make the most of it, for my reservoir of mercy has all but run dry.  Soon there will be nothing left but the cracked, dry mud of my cruelty…. for Cake-pocalypse is nigh!

My original plan was to create one colossal behemoth of diet devastation. However, after careful consideration, I have altered my plans.  I shall instead be launching a four stage Cakes-krieg across the month of June, once a week, every week. The reason for this is partly tactical but mostly it’s because my fridge isn’t big enough….




  • 9 inch loose base tart tin
  • baking paper
  • A large bowl
  • A fork
  • Clingfilm
  • Rolling pin
  • A knife
  • Baking beans – or rice
  • Pastry brush


  • 125 grams of chilled butter, cut into cubes
  • 190 grams of plain flour
  • 60 grams of ground almonds
  • 70 grams of icing sugar
  • A pinch of salt
  • 1 teaspoon of almond extract
  • 2 eggs yolks – separated using the plastic bottle method
  • A splash of chilled milk (if needed)
  • 1 egg for egg wash

This is a basic short crust pastry similar to the one I made for the Lemon Tart, but altered slightly to include an almond flavour to go with the bakewell filling…

Preheat the oven to 180˚C/350˚F/Gas Mark 4.

Grease a 9 inch loose base tart tin with butter and line the base with a circle of baking paper:
IMG_6007Place all the dry ingredients into the bowl, the flour, the icing sugar and ground almonds.  Rub in the butter with your fingers until you have coarse breadcrumb texture:
IMG_6002 IMG_6003Stir in the egg yolks and almond extract with a fork.:
IMG_6004Bring the dough together with your hands into a firm ball.  You may need to add a splash of chilled milk to help the dough along; but in this particular instance I didn’t find it necessary – maybe because the egg yolks were unusually large because I got them from my the battery of mutant chickens I have been breeding for the purposes of Cake-pocalypse….
IMG_6005Wrap the dough in clingfilm and chill it in the fridge for about an hour:
IMG_6006Once the dough has firmed up, roll it out between two sheets of cling film to an all around circumference of about 12 inches:
IMG_6008 IMG_6009Peel away the top layer of clingfilm, then lift up the pastry and place it in the tart tin.  Push the pastry into the corners, smoothing it out with the clingfilm before peeling it away:
IMG_6011Trim away the excess pastry and fix any gaps with the spare trimmings:
IMG_6012 IMG_6013Place the tart tin on a baking tray – this will prevent lifting the tin up by the base by mistake and ruining the tart.  Line the pastry with fresh clingfilm and then fill the cavity with baking beans or rice:
IMG_6014 IMG_6015Blind bake the crust for fifteen minutes.  Take the tin out of the oven, carefully remove the clingfilm and rice.  Whisk an egg to make an egg wash and brush it onto the pastry.  Then bake the crust for another ten minutes until it is lightly golden.  Leave the crust to cool slightly:
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  • Citrus zester
  • A pan
  • A large bowl
  • An electric mixer
  • A mixing spatula
  • A pastry brush


  • 3 tablespoons of raspberry jam
  • 3 eggs
  • 125 grams of ground almonds
  • 125 grams butter, melted
  • 125 grams of caster sugar
  • Zest of one lemon
  • 1 teaspoon of almond extract
  • 40 grams of sweetened coconut
  • 150 grams of fresh raspberries

Preheat the oven to 180˚C/350˚F/Gas Mark 4.

Spread the raspberry jam onto the base of the crust and set aside:
IMG_6025Melt the butter and leave it aside to cool slightly:
IMG_6017Grate the zest of one lemon, and leave this aside as well:
IMG_6016Rinse the raspberry and pat them dry gently with some paper towels:
IMG_6022Whisk together the eggs and sugar:
IMG_6019Whisk in the butter:
IMG_6020Mix in the ground almonds, zest, coconut and almond extract:
IMG_6021Pour the batter into the crust, and then arrange the raspberries in a circular patterns:
IMG_6026Bake for 30 to 40 minutes.  Leave the tart in the tin and chill it in the fridge before you extract the tart and slide it onto a cake board:
IMG_6031 IMG_6030And now you have one week to get your affairs in order.  Run and hide if you want, but Cake-pocalypse will find you.  So say your prayers, kiss your loved ones goodbye, and bring a spoon…..

Gladiator cake 2 copy