IT’S ALIVE!!!!!!!

Happy Halloween 🙂
Next year, I’m going to make him full life size, from bolts to boots….

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Death by Lasers

Sometimes I really hate being an evil genius and all the unpleasant little chores that go along with it.  However, I am a man of principles and I cannot make any exceptions or show even an ounce of mercy – because then people start thinking you’re a soft touch and the work just gets harder….

In the run up to my birthday party, I made it clear to everyone that the singing of the ‘Happy Birthday’ song was strictly forbidden.  I detest that song with a depth of loathing that mere words can never adequately convey.  I was very explicit about the fact that any infraction of this one rule would result in the offenders being destroyed with lasers.

And yet, despite my intractable edicts, a number of the guests at my party last weekend whispered and conspired together and that damnable song was sung in full voice by everyone present….. apart from me of course; I was busy taking down names.

So now I have a whole list to work through of people who need to be destroyed with a high intensity light beam.  And to make things even worse, just the other day at a Youth Theatre meeting I attended, at the instigation of my friend Katherine, a bunch of youngsters were encouraged to recite a repeat performance of that blasted dirge.  So now I have to destroy some young children too.

Do people really think I have nothing better to do than to go around blasting humans to smithereens with my trillion watt particle disruptor cannon?  I have a world to conquer, and these little distractions are making it very difficult to stick to my schedule of evil.  The only bright side is that by the time I get around to destroying the youngsters, I will have vaporised so many people already that the batteries in my laser cannon will most likely have run down, and these things take ages to recharge.  So they may yet have a chance to live a relatively long and fruitful life before my vengeance inevitably catch up with them……

Pick’n’mix Cake Mark II

Like Tony Stark, I am always tinkering and finding ways to improve – except instead of armoured suits, with me it’s cake…..
This is an upgrade of my concept of the Pick’n’mix Cake.  This one is an orange sponge (with home made orange curd of course) with a dark chocolate butter ganache icing for decoration – and lots and lots of sweets.  This was requested for a young lady’s 7th birthday party, and I must say that the childhood obesity statistics in the North of England are about to undergo a sharp upturn……  In your face Jamie Oliver!!!!!
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My Magical Birthday

My birthday cake….. I’ll let the pictures do the talking…..

IMG_0756IMG_0766 IMG_0765 IMG_0761This picture made a lady swear!
IMG_0762And here it is full assembled….
IMG_0777IMG_0772 IMG_0773 IMG_0774 IMG_0775 IMG_0776And here it is sliced….
IMG_0778 IMG_0779Yes, that’s a pie cake!

Rock’n’Roll Butterfly Cake

What did I do this week?
Oh yes, I made a chocolate butterfly cake for a rock band!
IMG_0697IMG_0695 IMG_0701This is Sylwia, the lead singer of the band, Diamond Velocity, who were preparing for their gig at The Leadmill in Sheffield last night, Friday 13th.
1236863_235452216609101_1730520711_nShe and the rest of the band were very pleased to receive this cake.  In fact Sylwia went into the neighbouring dressing room where another band where preparing to perform that night, and she gave them a friendly warning which went something like this: “Hi guys.  I just need to let you know that if you touch my cake, I will kill you all!”

You see that is the tremendous corrupting affect that my cakes can have – they transform otherwise friendly and reasonable people into murderous fiends.  So whenever I hear someone feel moved to contemplate such actions, I can feel pleased that I have done good work and that the dark shadow of the Caloriser is growing ever stronger…..

Diamond Velocity are a hugely talented upcoming band hailing from the plucky little Northern town of Rotherham, (the town that never gives up).  They have just been signed up by Big Sky Records, and their latest album ‘Without Spells’ is available to download on iTunes and Amazon.  You can also hear a free track, namely their single ‘Overexposed’ on Soundcloud.  Check them out – they are going to be HUGE……  especially if they keep eating my cakes (MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!)

Post Traumatic Bosom Disorder

Recently I was the victim of a most frightful and emotionally scarring incident – but before I divulge anything, I must insist on your solemn oath that you will not repeat any of what I am about to say to another living soul.  Only you, my treasured 60 or so followers on this blog, those connected to my Facebook feed, my Twitter feed, my LinkedIn account and, well pretty much the entire Internet can ever know of this… but no one else beyond that, do you understand?  Good, then I shall proceed….

A few days ago I attended the birthday party of a very dear friend of mine.  Yes, I have friends; there’s no need to look so surprised, you sarcy minx.  Of course I made a cake.  It was a miniature chocolate and blueberry cake, which is my friend’s favourite:
1234793_10151786323812696_280011737_n copyLooks quite nice, doesn’t it?  Little did I realise as I commenced to slice and serve this delectable little sweetmeat of the horror that was awaiting to engulf me.

Sitting at a table not far away from where my friends and I were making merry, (yes, you read that right; ‘friends’ plural, so shut up), there was a couple, a man and a lady who were quite plainly enjoying a romantic canoodle.  My birthday friend decided that it would be nice if she offered a slice of her cake to this couple, because she’s quite generous of spirit.  The couple accepted and I happily served them each a small but rich slice.  They were both quite delighted by the taste sensation that danced in their mouths, particularly the lady.  It was when my friend revealed that I was the genius behind the creation of this cake that the trouble really started.

Without warning the lady stood up.  She marched straight towards where I was sitting, just minding my own business, not hurting anyone (for a change).  And then she clutched me to her bosom, quite literally.  She gave me the biggest, most painful bear hug I have ever experienced.  What made it worse was that I was not expecting such a thing from a perfect stranger.  I was sitting down and she was standing up, and when she drew me towards her, my head nestled unavoidable into her front lady lumps area.

I dared not move nor breath.  I was too paralysed with fear even to think.  All I could do was play dead and hope that the ordeal would end quickly, either with her letting go of me or with the sweet release of death; either outcome was acceptable to me in that moment.

At last I was released and gratefully I filled my starved lungs with air.  I was left quite shaken by the trauma of this fleshly onslaught and I have since been debilitated by a mortal fear of boobs.  Now you know why I have sworn you to secrecy.  If the word were to get out that I can be defeated with boobs, then my ambition to rule the world with cake domination will be thwarted before it even begins.

Oh, just in case any of you are tempted to sell me out by revealing my secret weakness to those who would stand against me, just be aware that I am currently working on the development of an anti-boob deflector shield.  Unfortunately it will take some time before this technology is perfected.  However, my legion of deadly ninja baboon bodyguards are almost at the end of their training cycle and will be ready to be deployed very soon.  So just watch it, okay?

Mini Cakes

Not sure what flavour to have for your birthday cake?  I’ve come up with the perfect solution.  Instead of one big cake, why not have four mini ones with each a different flavour?

Here I have prepared a mouth watering cake platter of four of my greatest hits: lemon sponge with home made lemon curd, raspberry and white chocolate with home made raspberry sauce, chocolate devil’s food cake and finally and Earl Grey tea fruitcake with home made eggless vegan marzipan.  Each one is around four inches wide.  So if you want you could just have one and pretend like you’re giant.  Also you can have one all too yourself and not feel like a total greedy guts….

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