I need to make an announcement of some consequence ….
Gather the young ‘uns; they need to hear this too. Be ready with some hankies and a distracting toy or two though, because there will be tears once they have heard what I have to say.
I took up baking as a hobby around about 2005. I had just been dumped by my literary agent for not being famous enough and yet again my dreams of becoming a published author were dashed. I sulked for a bit …. actually more than a bit. Sulking is one of the few things I can do really well. Eventually I pulled myself out of my pit of glum and I decided that the best thing to do would be to keep my self occupied with a hobby. So I took up baking.
I’m not going to lie, the main reason I chose this particular hobby was in a sad attempt to impress the ladies. It didn’t really turn out the way I hoped. The problem was that the cakes I made were so spectacular and I am so timid and feeble, that my cakes often stole the limelight away from me, their creator. They were my glutenous Frankenstein’s monster. That is why I feel the time has come to kill the creature and stand as as a man on my own – the man I know I can be if only I made a little effort, spoke up a bit and worked on my posture and went out and about a bit more, for cryin’ out loud!
So from this day the cake is finished. I am a baker no more. From now on I am going to focus on my one greatest passion in life: writing. That is where my heart truly lies.
But don’t be sad – there is still a glimmer of hope. My feelings may change in the years to come, and I might take up the wooden spoon again. I will definitely need to keep making birthday cakes for my nephews and nieces … I’m afraid there’s no escaping that. Niece Number 1 says that if I don’t make her a red velvet cake for her birthday then she will literally murder me in my sleep. She’ll do it too – I’m not joking. And she’d get away with it. No court in the land would be brave enough to tangle with her. I’m very, very scared.
For my grand finale, I made my first and last wedding cake. It was for a couple of dear friends of mine, Georgina and Peter who got married this past weekend. Here is a picture of it. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself ….
Like Tony Stark, I am always tinkering and finding ways to improve – except instead of armoured suits, with me it’s cake…..
This is an upgrade of my concept of the Pick’n’mix Cake. This one is an orange sponge (with home made orange curd of course) with a dark chocolate butter ganache icing for decoration – and lots and lots of sweets. This was requested for a young lady’s 7th birthday party, and I must say that the childhood obesity statistics in the North of England are about to undergo a sharp upturn…… In your face Jamie Oliver!!!!!
What did I do this week?
Oh yes, I made a chocolate butterfly cake for a rock band! This is Sylwia, the lead singer of the band, Diamond Velocity, who were preparing for their gig at The Leadmill in Sheffield last night, Friday 13th. She and the rest of the band were very pleased to receive this cake. In fact Sylwia went into the neighbouring dressing room where another band where preparing to perform that night, and she gave them a friendly warning which went something like this: “Hi guys. I just need to let you know that if you touch my cake, I will kill you all!”
You see that is the tremendous corrupting affect that my cakes can have – they transform otherwise friendly and reasonable people into murderous fiends. So whenever I hear someone feel moved to contemplate such actions, I can feel pleased that I have done good work and that the dark shadow of the Caloriser is growing ever stronger…..
Diamond Velocity are a hugely talented upcoming band hailing from the plucky little Northern town of Rotherham, (the town that never gives up). They have just been signed up by Big Sky Records, and their latest album ‘Without Spells’ is available to download on iTunes and Amazon. You can also hear a free track, namely their single ‘Overexposed’ on Soundcloud. Check them out – they are going to be HUGE…… especially if they keep eating my cakes (MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!)