I need to make an announcement of some consequence ….
Gather the young ‘uns; they need to hear this too. Be ready with some hankies and a distracting toy or two though, because there will be tears once they have heard what I have to say.
I took up baking as a hobby around about 2005. I had just been dumped by my literary agent for not being famous enough and yet again my dreams of becoming a published author were dashed. I sulked for a bit …. actually more than a bit. Sulking is one of the few things I can do really well. Eventually I pulled myself out of my pit of glum and I decided that the best thing to do would be to keep my self occupied with a hobby. So I took up baking.
I’m not going to lie, the main reason I chose this particular hobby was in a sad attempt to impress the ladies. It didn’t really turn out the way I hoped. The problem was that the cakes I made were so spectacular and I am so timid and feeble, that my cakes often stole the limelight away from me, their creator. They were my glutenous Frankenstein’s monster. That is why I feel the time has come to kill the creature and stand as as a man on my own – the man I know I can be if only I made a little effort, spoke up a bit and worked on my posture and went out and about a bit more, for cryin’ out loud!
So from this day the cake is finished. I am a baker no more. From now on I am going to focus on my one greatest passion in life: writing. That is where my heart truly lies.
But don’t be sad – there is still a glimmer of hope. My feelings may change in the years to come, and I might take up the wooden spoon again. I will definitely need to keep making birthday cakes for my nephews and nieces … I’m afraid there’s no escaping that. Niece Number 1 says that if I don’t make her a red velvet cake for her birthday then she will literally murder me in my sleep. She’ll do it too – I’m not joking. And she’d get away with it. No court in the land would be brave enough to tangle with her. I’m very, very scared.
For my grand finale, I made my first and last wedding cake. It was for a couple of dear friends of mine, Georgina and Peter who got married this past weekend. Here is a picture of it. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself ….
I am going to say this just one time: Anyone who utters or disseminates anything disparaging or disrespectful about my Lady Nigella will have to answer to me. Be warned, presently I have 22 different spatulas in my collection, and I know how to deploy each one of them to devastating effect. So choose your next words very carefully sir; they may well prove to be your last……
Sometimes I really hate being an evil genius and all the unpleasant little chores that go along with it. However, I am a man of principles and I cannot make any exceptions or show even an ounce of mercy – because then people start thinking you’re a soft touch and the work just gets harder….
In the run up to my birthday party, I made it clear to everyone that the singing of the ‘Happy Birthday’ song was strictly forbidden. I detest that song with a depth of loathing that mere words can never adequately convey. I was very explicit about the fact that any infraction of this one rule would result in the offenders being destroyed with lasers.
And yet, despite my intractable edicts, a number of the guests at my party last weekend whispered and conspired together and that damnable song was sung in full voice by everyone present….. apart from me of course; I was busy taking down names.
So now I have a whole list to work through of people who need to be destroyed with a high intensity light beam. And to make things even worse, just the other day at a Youth Theatre meeting I attended, at the instigation of my friend Katherine, a bunch of youngsters were encouraged to recite a repeat performance of that blasted dirge. So now I have to destroy some young children too.
Do people really think I have nothing better to do than to go around blasting humans to smithereens with my trillion watt particle disruptor cannon? I have a world to conquer, and these little distractions are making it very difficult to stick to my schedule of evil. The only bright side is that by the time I get around to destroying the youngsters, I will have vaporised so many people already that the batteries in my laser cannon will most likely have run down, and these things take ages to recharge. So they may yet have a chance to live a relatively long and fruitful life before my vengeance inevitably catch up with them……
Like Tony Stark, I am always tinkering and finding ways to improve – except instead of armoured suits, with me it’s cake…..
This is an upgrade of my concept of the Pick’n’mix Cake. This one is an orange sponge (with home made orange curd of course) with a dark chocolate butter ganache icing for decoration – and lots and lots of sweets. This was requested for a young lady’s 7th birthday party, and I must say that the childhood obesity statistics in the North of England are about to undergo a sharp upturn…… In your face Jamie Oliver!!!!!