Sometimes I really hate being an evil genius and all the unpleasant little chores that go along with it. However, I am a man of principles and I cannot make any exceptions or show even an ounce of mercy – because then people start thinking you’re a soft touch and the work just gets harder….
In the run up to my birthday party, I made it clear to everyone that the singing of the ‘Happy Birthday’ song was strictly forbidden. I detest that song with a depth of loathing that mere words can never adequately convey. I was very explicit about the fact that any infraction of this one rule would result in the offenders being destroyed with lasers.
And yet, despite my intractable edicts, a number of the guests at my party last weekend whispered and conspired together and that damnable song was sung in full voice by everyone present….. apart from me of course; I was busy taking down names.
So now I have a whole list to work through of people who need to be destroyed with a high intensity light beam. And to make things even worse, just the other day at a Youth Theatre meeting I attended, at the instigation of my friend Katherine, a bunch of youngsters were encouraged to recite a repeat performance of that blasted dirge. So now I have to destroy some young children too.
Do people really think I have nothing better to do than to go around blasting humans to smithereens with my trillion watt particle disruptor cannon? I have a world to conquer, and these little distractions are making it very difficult to stick to my schedule of evil. The only bright side is that by the time I get around to destroying the youngsters, I will have vaporised so many people already that the batteries in my laser cannon will most likely have run down, and these things take ages to recharge. So they may yet have a chance to live a relatively long and fruitful life before my vengeance inevitably catch up with them……