There’s something you need to know about me; I am basically pure evil. I spend a lot of my time skulking in dark corners wearing a black cape and top hat and twirling my pointy moustache as I cackle diabolically. I am a twisted, depraved, heartless and merciless freak show, and it is my constant endeavour to suffuse all of that darkness and devilry into my cakes.
In a recent scientific study, it was proven conclusively that eating just one bite of my cakes or cookies will shorten your life expectancy by a significant degree, and some people have even been known to fall into an immediate catatonic state from the thermonuclear carb and sugar shock wave contained inside each one of my fiendish creations. It has got so bad that Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig and Rosemary Conley have taken it upon themselves to join forces and put a huge bounty on my head – and by that I mean they clubbed together to buy a huge Bounty Bar and then they threw it at my head. I just laughed, picked up the Bounty Bar, put it into a cake and fed it to more victims. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!
Last night I struck again, in an incident that is being reported hysterically in the local press as ‘The Christmas Cake Crumb Massacre’. I shall expound on the full grizzly details in an article next week. The heat should have died down by then. For now I shall tantalise you with these horrifying yet compelling images of some of my latest victims. Just look into their eyes and you will see that all traces of their once carefree human souls have been obliterated. It’s moments like this that I live for:
Can I ever be stopped? Probably, hopefully, someday if I am challenged by a worthy opponent. But no such person has yet stepped forward and so I am at liberty to rain down biscuits and buns of diet destruction on a defenceless populace at will.
NO ONE IS SAFE!!!!!!